Sacred Dying Book

Preface

Sacred Dying looks closely at the rituals we have created to help us as well as our dying loved ones make the transition between life and death. This is not a book about mourning and how to handle grief; it is not about the mythology of death; it is not about funeral planning. It is about bringing spirituality, through ritual, into the physical act of dying.

Sacred Dying is intended for those who face the death of a loved one and want to bring a spiritual yet personal presence into the dying experience. Rituals help heal the pain of letting go, offering reconciliation and peace, while at the same time connecting us with the Divine. It has been my experience that end of life rituals can help a person die not only a peaceful death, but a sacred death, bringing reconciliation and acceptance to both the loved ones and to the person dying.

Sacred Dying is meant to be both a testimonial and a handbook. It grows out of the wealth of experiences and challenges I have encountered in being with those on the verge of dying, a process I call “vigiling.” It tells many stories of people who are faced with dying and all the emotions and fears that dying produces. Families often ask me, “What can I do to help my loved one die peacefully?” When I vigil with the dying, I sometimes use formal religious rites from specific faith traditions – the last rites – but more often I create rituals of my own, drawing from the circumstances of each individual situation. Rituals are meant to be ageless and timeless, bringing the needs of the participants into the present situation. But all too often, traditional religious rituals fail to provide satisfying closure, either because clergy are not always available to assist in these rites, or the rites themselves have lost significance for the participants.

Perhaps, however, the most important thing about Sacred Dying is that this book takes the attention from those survivors who are going through grief and loss, and places it onto the person who is at the point of death. The focus here is on the dying experience itself, as the last of life’s great transitions. Sacred Dying attempts to reclaim death and dying for the person going through it.

I find that the people who understand this concept the best are those families with children who are dying. They instinctively know what is best for the child, and that they have to put their own feelings of fear and sadness aside so their babies can get through this without additional worries. I have heard many times, “I have to be brave for her. I can’t let her see how afraid I am.” It makes an enormous difference for the children not to carry their parents’ anxieties and fears with them as they begin to die.

Mourning and grief comes for the survivors, regardless. I do not try to diminish the agony of anyone watching a loved one die; it is often the hardest thing we have to face. My hope is that in spite of our fears and sadness, we can offer our loved one an opportunity to experience death as it should be, with honor, respect, and sacredness.